If you know me, I’m a routine kind of person. I thrive on the expected and a regular schedule. Even with cancer, I have my set in stone routine and it gives me peace of mind. My side effects from the chemo have even taken on a routine of their own: Days 1-2 post-chemo: dry mouth, days 2-3: mouth pain, days 3-4muscle aches and fatigue the whole way through.

Saturday night, the fever started. Now, my mind instantly went back to the chemo informational video I was given before my first treatment. It indicated fevers are super dangerous when going through chemo and I panicked. I called the after-hours nurse line and he asked me questions, assured me it seemed I was okay to manage it at home but if I still had a fever in the morning to go to Urgent Care. I woke up ready to start my work day on Sunday but had developed a bit of a cough by this point. I checked my temperature and had a fever of 101.2 so we went to urgent care.

Thankfully, I was seen almost immediately. I was tested for covid, flu strains, and strep. I had bloodwork done. They gave me IV fluids and tylenol to bring down the fever. I napped while the fluids worked their magic and while we waited for my results. My white blood cell count was high - super super high, but this was due to the Granix shot I was given the evening before. Granix is used to reduce the duration of severe neutropenia, which is low white blood cell count from chemo treatment. But everything else came back normal and the strep, covid, and flu tests also all came back negative. My fever had come down and I felt much better after the IV fluids, so I was sent home with instructions to take tylenol around the clock if needed to keep my fever down. My urgent care team had connected with oncology and they they wanted me to skip my Granix shots for a few days (to ensure the WBC count was in fact related to my Granix shot and not some other infection) and repeat bloodwork again on Tuesday.

The next few days were a cycle of shivering cold sweats, getting too hot, and generally feeling pretty crummy. Tuesday came and I got my bloodwork done and again my numbers were good - this time my white blood cell count was in a healthy range. I started to feel better Wednesday but have still been dealing with a fever off and on.

If I’m honest - this week has made me sad. I’ve been getting through cancer being told how strong I am, and how optimistic I’ve been. I’ve already dealt with a bit of imposter syndrome on the days I feel less good. My brain wants to tell me I’m not as strong as everyone thinks but I’ve done a good job of telling that voice to shut up. But I’ve had a much harder time with that since I’ve felt extra crummy this week.

I also have been dealing with anxiety that I’ll be admitted to the hospital again. I know that if I have to go, it’s the safest place for me, but I want to be home. There’s nothing like being home when you don’t feel good. My health OCD has been kicking up telling me I’m definitely going to be whisked away to the hospital and has me planning and trying to pack myself a full bag “just in case”. But these are intrusive thoughts and I’ve resisted the compulsions so far (a slight lie, I am heading in for a PICC line dressing change tomorrow and I did add face wipes and deodorant to my purse.)

So far my care team has seemed less bothered than I am about what’s been going on. They have not at all been dismissive, but they’re not panicking. I know the numbers point to the fact that I actually am okay (relatively speaking), and this is just a part of dealing with a weakened immune system.

I have to remember that my body is dealing with something very Not Normal right now, so it’s expected for me to feel Not Normal. I’ve got to give my body grace because she’s fighting hard for me and some weeks are going to be tougher than others.

So, in practice of optimism and gratitude, I want to note some things that have made me happy this week: