So far, the last round of chemo is treating me much better than the one before it. I’m feeling my usual symptoms and not feeling extra knocked down.

What’s acting up more than usual currently is my OCD. For those who aren’t as familiar, I thought I’d give a rundown of what having OCD is actually like. People associate cleanliness and a need for order with OCD, and while that can be true, it’s not a clear picture.

OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a mental disorder made up of anxiety causing intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and the need to do something (checks, reassurance seeking) to mitigate that anxiety (compulsions).

One way I’ve heard OCD explained is when you know the truth but you don’t feel it. For example, every bit of logic tells you that your stove is turned off, but your gut is telling you that it’s not and it’s causing true alarm and anxiety in your body until you check maybe 20 times (maybe more).

Many people with OCD have “themes” that their OCD focuses on, which can change over time. One of my major OCD themes is health-related. Getting diagnosed with cancer unfortunately caused it to flare up a bit. There are many health issues that have come up because of the cancer as I’ve mentioned here before such as the pleural effusion which caused shortness of breath, and pericardial effusion (fluid around my heart). I’m hyper aware of what I feel in my body, so anything that’s different - even a bit of indigestion - sends alarm bells in my brain.

For me, the compulsion related to my health OCD is too much googling and doing self/body checks. I have more health-related devices at home than any normal person needs. At-home blood pressure machine, SpO2 monitor, smart thermometer (to log my temperature, my brain craves data), and I also wear a smart watch that is always tracking health-related data.

Chemo is obviously having an affect on my body, it’s meant to, and it’s one of the shitty parts of the process. But that also means new and strange sensations and issues for my brain to latch onto. Every few days my brain has a new body thing to hyper-focus on, the new new thing I’m worried about and obsessively researching.

In general, these “checks” and reassurance seeking is ultimately unhelpful and fuels the OCD. I’m very thankfully prescribed antidepressants for my OCD and my day-to-day anxiety has greatly lessened since I started taking it. I will always advocate for mental health medication because I’ve seen the impact and value not only in myself but loved ones who also take it. But medication is not the whole picture. There are coping methods for dealing with these types of anxieties and intrusive thoughts. My brain is just having a bit of a harder time with coping since I got diagnosed with cancer too.

Thankfully, I have a really great support system to help me quiet the brain worms (as my husband and I refer to the intrusive thoughts). I have a best friend who also has OCD (and who suggested very honestly and seriously that I was exhibiting similar behavior before I was officially diagnosed), and talking to her has been super helpful during this time. She is always a sounding board for my anxious thoughts and I don’t feel crazy unloading them on her.

Also, my husband Jess will do the “checks” with or for me when needed, but also knows when to calmly and kindly tell me that I’m having an OCD thought and help me move away from it in a healthy way.

Some days are harder than others, but overall, I’m doing well. I have the tools and support I need to quiet the brain worms and listen for what my body really needs (not what my anxiety says it does).