I don’t really know where the beginning truly is, at what point my body started asking for help.

I tend to ignore her unless she’s asking for more soda or cheese.

I do remember being concerned when I started noticeably losing weight when it could no longer be attributed to simple digestive issues. I had been overweight for a long time, and while the weight loss could have been welcome, I didn’t feel any healthier. My diet hadn’t changed and neither did my extremely sedentary lifestyle. I was getting complimented about my appearance but it just gave me a pit in my stomach.

I remember the first time I woke up soaked. My previously dry, itchy skin had given way to drenching night sweats.

I remember having the wind knocked out of me slightly when taking a selfie to send to my mom, and noticing how big the lump on my neck had gotten.

I had previously made, rescheduled, and cancelled appointments with my primary care doctor. The first was easy to justify: fires were burning in California again and we were dealing with dangerously windy conditions. The others were pushed for the most minor of inconveniences.

My tik tok algorithm fed me videos of women the same age as me, with all the same symptoms discovering they had lymphoma. Full panic attack.

But I couldn’t go down that road, so I didn’t. It took another month or so before I made myself go to the doctor’s.

March 7th, 2025:

By this point I had convinced myself it was a thyroid issue. My health OCD couldn’t allow for the possibility of anything more than that.

But my heart sank when I saw true concern in my doctor’s eyes.

As I listed off my symptoms and answered her questions, she asked questions about the things I didn’t think mattered as much: my shortness of breath, how bad the night sweats were.

I thought I was there to start taking thyroid medication and that surely the swelling in my neck would go away.

I left with an appointment for a CT Scan of my neck, chest, and pelvis.

My CT scan was three weeks away. I allowed my brain the peace to not think about it anymore until I got my scan. It wasn’t easy for an obsessive mind, but I was afraid of the answer so I took what felt like a small reprieve.

April 2nd, 2025:

My doctor called me about 3 days later - her voice tight and worried. She told me that my right lung cavity was filled nearly 75% with fluid, and that there was fluid around my heart. Beyond the visible swollen lymph node in my neck, there were several other enflamed lymph nodes throughout my chest, compressing my lung and trachea. She had already been in contact with pulmonology, cardiology, and what scared me the most: oncology.

They were working together to get me a direct-admit to the hospital that night. They needed to biopsy the lymph nodes and needed to help drain the fluid in my lung as soon as possible.

My husband Jesse and I tried to stay calm while we packed a bag for me, unsure of what to bring or how long I’d be there. We drove to the hospital both feeling a little stunned.

My doctor had let me know I may be there a few days - while I was admitted they could get things expedited for me. It was a Wednesday evening. I imagined I might get the biopsy and fluid drained the next day, maybe stay another night to make sure I was okay, and then hopefully be home Friday or Saturday while I waited for the results. I was mistaken.